i asked him if it mattered
he said no
okay so …. what matters
i asked
nothing he said
I ate my sandwich
he ate his
and after a awhile
he looked over and said
love…..
love matters
i shook my head
and thought
yep
love matters
and the sandwich
tasted that much better
i could hear the crying in the other room
i slept as i walked following the sound
i walked in the room and the crying stopped
looking down i said
hey baby what you crying about
i reached down and put my hand on her stomach
she looked up at me and smiled
i rested my arms on the side of her crib
and rocked her back and forth
she reached up hers arms and i gave her her bottle
as she drank her eyes grew heavy and her arms relaxed by her head
i took the bottle and stayed a bit longer
sometimes it’s that easy
sometime it’s just knowing that someone is there
and they hear you
and they comfort you
we forget these things as we get older
and don’t want to be bothered
sometimes it’s just acknowledging someone’s existence
with smile or a wink
or a word
You don’t know until you get there,
and you’re crossing from now to then.
That moment of unavoidable change.
You won’t know because it’s unimaginable,
how, when, where.
You just cross, mid sentence, mid stream, mid life.
Letting go of everything.
You have no choice, it’s just gone, you’re gone,
just like that.
It was the flash of light that made me think I was dead, and as my eyes started to focus i could see parking meters and a shoe in the middle of the road and a woman walking briskly towards me in a sort of hysteria.
“Oh my god are all right, i didn’t see you, oh my god “…… and as this voice drifted into my ringing head I thought to myself, of course you didn’t see me, you were too busy talking to your car full of friends.
I picked myself up of the ground, my shoes were both off my feet, my gloves were shredded and my socks melted, and looking over to the right side of the corner i saw my scoot, 100 yards or so away, shoved up against a parking meter with it’s front fork bent at a 90% angle.
I guess you could say I was in shock, just drifting through the movement, auto pilot kicked in, i was disconnected but still completely aware, floating, still taking in the relevance of what i just went through.
I pulled a piece of paper out of my pocket and drew the intersection, and as i’m drawing explaining to her the geometrics of the scenario, describing…. “okay here is the intersection, you are here, in the center lane, me, i’m in the LEFT lane, you decide at the last moment that maybe you will turn left - right into me, my bike went left in the direction of the car, landing smashed against a parking meter, while i flew in the direction i was going, straight ahead, over the top of the car, on my head, against the pavement, skidding until the friction of my socks stopped me.”
I looked at her and tell her “THAT is what happened, please sign here”, which she does.
She sits hearing the knockin on the door, frozen in fear, she thinks out her strategy,
If the door is to open and the wrong facial expression or the wrong attitude or attire is confronted there is no winning the game that is at hand.
Where this started and why is still unknown, and what happened that motivated the sudden shift in feelings from adulation and love to spite, hate and a loathsome disrespect, is still playing on an endless loop through her head as she searches for an answer.
He has all the excuses except the one that means anything, that sleeps deep inside, that he’s hidden in all the beatings he’s received in the past, lumping together everyone and anyone who even dares to breach the solitary wall he has built around him.
There is no hope at this moment, it will take patience, time and a spiritual unselfish understanding without denial for him dig himself out, time of course is not what she has.
The window is open, the street only inches below, bags are packed and she sits listening to the knocking and voices she has buried under the thick skin protecting her like armor.
Like a dog chained to a fence post, she contemplates the unimaginable, then buries her teeth deep into her flesh and rips away the heart of her world and flees into the night, never ever looking back.
it all starts here
a word a phrase
to inspire another
a thought so profound
you can’t help but respond
I wish i could say that
buried beneath
this skin of mine
i have something as virulent
to contribute
i keep scraping against it
hoping
something will reveal itself
so far nothing yet
so i leave you with these words
in a jumble
really not saying anything at all
except that my ineptitude
at dissolving into something
more palatable
is some what pathetic
it doesn’t matter
what you feel
or how strong those emotions are
in fact that can make it worse
it doesn’t matter how sincere
or deep those wants and desires are
they are nothing to anyone but you
no cosmic touch
no metaphysical connection
they don’t travel across the seas
or through the sky
they are just a harboring that resides
inside your heart your head
we are lead to believe
that if we convict ourselves
so completely it will matter
but it doesn’t
we wake we sleep
in our own subconscious
our dreams drive us
pushing towards that one thing
that will matter most
only to ourselves
when the sun shines
through the clouds
and it’s still cold
and wet from the rain
early in the morning
new buds are just starting to show
and there is this feeling
like something new is growing
and you feel calm
and comfortable
and you just sit
and breathe
and
breathe
you’ve forgotten what that feels like
to just breathe
and sink down into your skin
and melt away
close your eyes
and breathe in the night
just fade
to
black
flakes of my skin
are peeling off me
like memories
fading into an ocean
drifting out further
a silhouette of my dreams