strangegirl.net

under the disguise of hope and vigilance
politeness and desperation
it hides behind words
that are facades of intentions
the truth is running away
and taking your beliefs with it
lulling you into acceptance
sedating the nerves
that hold up the warnings
convincing you that
this can not be anything else
the truth is running away
scared by it’s own shadow
incapable of following through
whitewashing integrity
dissolving the inner core
the truth is running away
if you feel the dust
blown into your face
hide what you hold dear
protect what means most to you
because when it’s gone
when there is nothing left
there will be only
emptiness to hold on to

there are some things
that just make me swoon
there are songs that make me sway
no matter how i feel
i close my eyes
and let the lyrics sink into my skin
let the melodies carry me to a place
i can only touch in my dreams
i just float on the wings of emotions
completely taken in

“you got to
hold on
hold on
baby you gotta hold on
take a my hand
standin right here
you got hold on”
(tom waits- hold on)

i see the picture
then the music comes
in the stillness of the water
as the mountains turn pink
there is a feeling of disconnect
the notes are in the trees
that stand indifferent to the extremes
the water that drifts and sways
pushed by the wind that floats over it
reminds me that what ever i do
my life still goes on

once again it flows
it’s the same thing every month
that not so subtle reminder
that I am a fertile woman
here i am in nature
but tethered to an hourly
hike to the outhouse
it will only last a few days
then it will calm back down
but right now it’s like a waterfall
my womanhood spilling out of me
in a bright crimson river
flooding my conscience
keeping my eye
well my internal eye on my internal clock
more aware of what my body
is letting go
and always wanting it to stop
i know that soon one day
i will want it back but it will be gone
so i guess as much of pain in the ass
it is right now
i wouldn’t want it any other way
i embrace this subtle reminder
of the woman i am now
so for now let it flow

to write is like to
make a sculpture
or paint a picture
you stare at the blank page
or the block of stone
the blank canvass
and you think about the words
and the shape
and the color
and you place pen on paper
chisel on stone
brush on texture
and you begin
each word and
picture
with shape
and color
combines to create the next idea
you
work your way through it
each word a prompt
for the next turn
the next pigment
that changes it’s relationship
with each new added piece
the evolution
matures
add the music
and each note
moves the next
and
so it goes

they poked their heads up
smaller than their mothers
but kinda the same
there are two of them
feathers still like down
waiting to make their way
they look at me
wondering who i am
i look at them and wonder what they will be
will they make it
tonight i went to check on them
they weren’t there
i think today was flight training
so somewhere behind the pots
and the plants
hidden from my view
they wait to try again
well trying is not an option for them
for them they just
…. must do
i suppose it’s a philosophy i too should embrace
trying gets you no where
doing is what matters in the end
just do
don’t try

i am riding my scoot
down the roadway
i’m going 70mph
i always think to my self
as i’m speeding along
what would happen if i just let go
i play the image in my head
everyday
i watch as i see the handlebars
start to wobble
the frequency of which gets
more intense as i continue
to push against the air
in my head it’s all in slow motion
but if it were to really occur
i’m sure it would be much faster
then i feel the bike
pitching left and right
i hit a bump in the road
and my body goes over
spilling on to the roadway
i bounce like a rag doll
arms and legs flailing
as i bounce off the ground
the 5 or so cars traveling behind me
have no time to react and i feel
the bumpers slam into my
arms and legs
chest and head
but i wonder do i feel this
or am i already dead

so everyday i ride
i wonder if i were to
just let go
what would happen

when i walked into the hospital room
he was asleep
he looked so small and frail and old
he opened his eyes and tried to smile
i could see it in his eyes
he’d been here since tuesday and it was sunday
i had been away when he called 911
when he couldn’t breathe
they had taken him off the oxygen yesterday
and he was hoping to go home
but time i think has caught up with him
it scares me to think that life can change in an instant
or it can fade away before your very eyes
here is a man i have known all my life
who loves his family
and taught us all to think for ourselves
who was bigger then life
and held us up on his shoulders
lying in this bed to weak to raise his head
i held his hand and gave him a drink of water
life moves in slow motion
and before you know it
it can knock you down
i know he is strong
like he taught me to be
i know he has his will
like i know he instilled in me
i hope this will pass
i believe he will get better
i love my father
and want in all my heart
for him to get well

i stood looking at my feet
5 days of dirt was sticking to them
winding it’s way around my toes
and up my ankles over my calves
painting strips along my thighs
5 days of dirt and sun-block
lotion and bug spray
in all my cracks and in all my holes
5 days of pure nakedness
disconnected from civilization
no need to bathe
no need to be clean
the only thing that washed over my skin was
mountain lake water
disconnected from anything
and everything
i’d been living for
for way too long
lost loves
computers cel phones
tv’s newspapers
people people
people
responsibility
anything that had
some kind of tie to me
now were
all on mute
all unconnected to me
i needed this
i needed to just let go
to be with just me
i needed to listen to the geese
as the sun rose over the mountains
and their calls echoed across the lake
the only thing living besides me
were them
in that moment when the light hit my face
i needed to rock back and forth
as i sat over looking this lake
while the full moon began to
show itself from behind the trees
i needed to just not be anything
but what i was
right then and there
just be
not think
not feel
not want
not desire
sometimes it all becomes overwhelming
sometimes the words
are nothing more then
words
that have no meaning
just letters on a page
my head hurts from too many words
unfulfilled
i want to find the words that mean something
that really say something
i listen to the birds and the trees and
the water lapping against the rock
those words say something to me
right now
those words mean something to me
in this moment
5 days of dirt was the best thing i needed
and as i wash off the dirt
i am happy knowing that
this dirt is still apart of me

is the man who has a good job
makes good money
but drinks too much
and comes home and beats his wife
is he a success

 is the president of our country
who has a supposedly respectable job
makes lots of money
but lies to the people he serves
leading us into an un-winnable war
costing us trillions of dollars
making the rich richer
and poor much poorer
and those in between
lost between the cracks
is he a success

 are the corporations
that rape the economy
for the better good of
only themselves
are they a success

 if those are the success stories
that society embraces
i would much rather be a failure

 if to be a failure means
you do what you have to to survive
if it means you are good
to the ones around you
you have love in your heart
believe in sincerity respect and
speak the truth
then i want to be with them
i would like to be that failure

 the examples of success
are not worthy of the word
so
what is success